Summer 2018: Two years into President Donald J. Trump’s first term in office, America has never been greater. The Even Greater Wall along the Mexican border is under construction, paid for by Mexico. Americans have more money in their pockets thanks to lower taxes and the president’s creative money-raising strategies. (Who else would have thought to pay for FEMA’s budget by suing the Catholic Church over property damage caused by acts of God?) And while Trump’s detractors may call him a tyrant, the American people love bullies when the victim is Congress: every time they impeach the president, his approval rating skyrockets.
Ever conscious of his hugely important historical legacy, The Donald plucks disgraced tabloid reporter Jimmie Bernwood–the man responsible for publishing the infamous Ted Cruz sex tape–from the depths of anonymity to become his official biographer, giving him enviable access to the gold-plated White House and all of its secrets.
When Trump’s previous biographer turns up dead, Bernwood must do some real investigative reporting, get to the bottom of a long series of murders…and, if it’s absolutely unavoidable, save the country. The Day of the Donald is a hilariously hair-raising look at the (possible) future of America.
Andrew Shaffer is the New York Times bestselling author of Fifty Shames of Earl Grey: A Parody. His line of tongue-in-cheek “Christmas cards for atheists” were denounced by Stephen Colbert on Comedy Central’s The Colbert Report as “un-American.” This is his first thriller.
Praise for The Day of the Donald:
“This insta-parody from the author of Fifty Shames of Earl Grey and How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters is a clever spoof that, depending on your politics, will make you laugh or cry — or send eerie shivers down your spine… The Day of the Donald perfectly channels Donald Trump’s voice, rhetoric and ego.”
—The Washington Post
“Bestseller Shaffer skewers presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump in this amusing political satire.”
Praise for Andrew Shaffer:
“Every bit as amusing (and straight-faced) as the film franchise that spawned it.”
—Entertainment Weekly on How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters
—USA Today on How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters
“Funny… Everyone should follow this guy [on Twitter].”
“The literary equivalent of a good Saturday Night Live skit.”
—The Hollywood Reporter on Fifty Shames of Earl Grey
“Laugh out loud… If you are looking for a funny book to share with friends, look no further.”
—Publishers Weekly on Fifty Shames of Earl Grey
“This was a filthy, disgusting piece of perversion and I loved every word.”
–Jennifer Weiner, #1 New York Times bestselling author of The Next Best Thing on Fifty Shames of Earl Grey
–Stephen Colbert on Order of St. Nick greeting cards
The skies were overcast on a bitterly cold January day, but that didn’t stop the massive crowd from gathering at the U.S. Capitol Building. The crowd was bundled up, pumped up, and in more than a few cases, liquored up. This was a day that would set a Guinness Book World Record for most fistfights at one location in a single day.
But far away from the clashes between supporters and protestors, up on the Capitol Steps, a thin ray of sunshine broke through the clouds to illuminate what, from a distance, looked like a thick wisp of rust-flavored cotton candy. The strings blew about in the wind, eventually settling back down on top of the head of the man about to become the 45th President of the United States, Donald J. Trump.
He stood tall and proud on the platform, joined by his five children. No first lady. The “October Surprise” of this election cycle had been his split from Melania—which did nothing to slow his momentum. If anything, polls indicated it may have helped.
As five Cessnas flew overhead in tight formation, Donald Trump stepped forward. He placed his hand on the Bible being held by Donald Trump Jr., which was in turn resting atop a copy of Trump: The Art of the Deal. He raised his right hand as Chief Justice Roberts administered the oath of office.
After being sworn in, Trump stepped to the microphone.
“My fellow Americans, we are about to do some really, really fantastic things! It’s gonna be terrific! It’s a new day. Last November, the American people made their voices heard loud and clear, in nearly every state. California, Illinois, I don’t know what you were thinking, you got some big financial problems going on out there and I’m a very good businessman. I could have helped out, I’m just saying.
“And now we’re going to Make! America! Great! Again! That’s right. If you don’t have a hat, by the way, they’re selling them at the booths in each corner of the room. Twenty-five dollars for some really good workmanship, it’s quality, a great value.
“This is a terrific nation. Sure, it has some problems. But hey—I have a lot of experience inheriting extravagant commodities, and they almost always retain most of their value. I totally got this.
“And let’s give a great round of applause to Obama. I was tough on him during the campaign, but he did a pretty nice job for a Hawaiian-American.”
The viewers at home then saw a shot of President Obama waving graciously to Trump and the crowd. And then, perhaps thinking the cameras had already cut away, they saw Obama turn to Michelle and clearly mouth, “We can go.” They were halfway out of their seats by the time the cameras returned to Trump.
“I want to say how humbled I am to have earned this sacred trust. I want to say that, but we all know I completely deserve this. I’m the most qualified guy to win the presidency since Eisenhower. So let me say to you: good choice, America. You nailed this one, and you’re going to be really, really happy with the outcome.
“Let’s make America great again, from sea to shiny sea. It’s not just for rich-o’s, either. Look, folks, my car has windows. I know that there’s some run-down neighborhoods in America. We’re going to fix that. The poor people are going to be so happy. I promise tomorrow, Day One, to end the program that gives tax breaks for making your home more energy-efficient, and replace it with one that gives tax breaks for making your home more classy. I want a granite countertop in every kitchen and Bermuda grass on every lawn!
“So America, here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m going to be a first-rate, grade-A, big league commander in chief. I’m going to deliver the goods. That’s what you gotta do, right? Deliver the goods. I’m great at delivering the goods. There’s nobody better. We’re going to turn a profit in every sense of the word. And we’re going to tell America’s enemies… you’re fired!”
There was a two-minute long wait for the applause to subside. Half a mile away, a car was flipped over, set on fire, and then flipped over on fire for still having a Bernie bumper sticker.
In Madison, Wisconsin, a frat boy passed out. He’d been playing a drinking game where he drank a shot every time Trump said the word “great.” He lasted eight minutes.
And in Manhattan, six late-night talk-show hosts joined hands in a prayer circle, giving thanks for the bounty which they were about to receive.
“As the great Abraham Lincoln once said, put up or shut up. And I am the best at putting up. I put up Trump Tower. I put up the Trump casino. I put up the other Trump Tower in Chicago, and have you seen how tall it is? Majestic. It is a building that Abraham Lincoln would have been thrilled by if he had lived to see it. He’d be amazed. It would have blown his mind.”
He paused as if he’d just realized his poor choice of words, but continued on. Such was the Trump way.
“I’m a rising tide, America, and I’m going to lift all the boats. If you don’t have a boat, you’ll be able to afford one by the time I’m done.”
Trump paused for dramatic effect. He brushed away a tear, or maybe his eye just itched.
“We’re going to do more than make America great. America is going to be really, truly amazing. This is the finest, richest, most upscale nation in the world, and I’m proud to have my name on it, I really am.
“God bless America, and let’s make some money.”
He waved to the cheering masses, and headed inside out of the cold.